Tangled!
by ShatteredLyre
Summary: Once upon a time, a princess was very bored. Then she decided to save herself. "Rule One: Damsels in distress are not allowed to have any notions of freedom or feminism. The Fairytale Handbook is never wrong!" Tamao simply rolled her eyes. -For elviella-


**dedicated to: elviella**

**Happy extremely, extremely belated birthday!**

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**Once upon a time, there was a damsel in distress sitting all by her lonesome at the very, very top of a golden tower. She had been waiting there for years, waiting for anybody, _somebody_ to come save her. Unfortunately, this absolutely sucked and the damsel found herself to be very bored indeed.

"This absolutely sucks and I am very bored indeed," Tamao sighed, looking wistfully outside of her tower window. "I wonder what it's like to be f—"

All of a sudden two very disgusting creatures materialized in front of her.

"Excuse me, authoress, who are you calling disgusting?" Conchi yelled.

Ponchi waved a finger at his partner in crime. "Conchi, you know better than to break the fourth wall! This is a gosh dang fairytale fic for cryin' out loud!" The spirit animal turned around and glared at Tamao.

"What?" she asked helplessly, not knowing what she had done for the tanuki and kitsune to appear.

"You very well know! You almost said the forbidden word!" Conchi exclaimed.

She drew her eyebrows together in confusion. "All I was going to say was fr—"

"Ah, ah, ah!" Ponchi shouted, leaping up and clamping a paw over her mouth. "You know the rules!"

Tamao was beginning to get very frustrated indeed. "What rules?" she asked, her voice growing angry (which, by her standards, was very mild).

Conchi rolled his eyes. "Oh, please. You know." He dove into an empty trunk by the foot of her bed, rummaging around before he resurfaced. "The rules in the Fairytale Handbook?"

Tamao sighed and snatched the worn, leather bound book from his hands. "'Rule Twelve: Damsels in distress and/or princesses awaiting rescue are not allowed to have any notions of freedom or feminism.'" She shut the book. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever—"

Ponchi grabbed the book and slammed it open. "Rule Nine: Damsels in distress and/or princesses awaiting rescue are not allowed to criticize standards and regulations imposed by male dominated, overtly sexist, chauvinistic society!" He snorted and exchanged looks with Conchi. "What do you think this is? A democracy?" He exploded into laughter. "No, this is nineteenth century Germany, baby!"

Tamao frowned. "That doesn't sound quite fair."

The tanuki waved his hand dismissively. "Come on. Next thing you know, you females will be proposing the craziest ideas…like equal rights!"

"So then what _exactly_ am I allowed to do?" she asked, rather dryly for her character (but then again, she had to continually put up with two sexist, obnoxious spirit animals on a daily basis so she's allowed to lapse into her own moments of anger and sarcasm whenever she felt like it, goddamnit).

Conchi flipped the tome to the first page, skimming through a few introductory paragraphs. "Hmm…princess isn't allowed to be within a fifty foot radius of dragons, monsters, or other evil villains when the prince is fighting them…exceptions include if the princess is being guarded and thus needs to be saved by said dragons, monsters, or other evil villains...there must always be a discrepancy in social standing between the male and female protagonists…ie: the girl must be from a low social status and wed a prince or the boy must be of lower social standing and win the heart of a princess—"

"But what about that story about the mermaid…what was it…the girl was a princess and the boy was a prince," she protested.

"Are you serious right now?" Ponchi scoffed. "Aren't you familiar with the transformation law? If either protagonist undergoes some sort of physical transformation, then they're _obviously_ exempted from the social status clause." He rolled his eyes. "And you call yourself a proper damsel in distress…psh, you don't even know the transformation law…"

Conchi's eyes lit up. "Ah, here we are! Rule three: Damsels in distress and/or princesses awaiting rescue are allowed to do any of the following—sigh forlornly, look out of their towers/cottages/castles forlornly, sing and frolic with cute woodland or aquatic based animals, sew, clean, cook, and, most importantly, await rescue by their leading man."

Tamao exhaled angrily. "But what if I don't _want_ to be a damsel in distress anymore!"

Conchi and Ponchi gasped. "Don't say things you don't mean!"

She clenched her fists in exasperation and began pacing back and forth. "But I _do_ mean it! I'm tired just sitting around for…for…oh, I don't even know what his name is anymore—"

Ponchi cracked open the file Tamao was given after she had graduated from D.I.D.P.A.R. (Damsels in Distress/Princesses Awaiting Rescue) Academy. "Asakura Yoh?" he offered helpfully.

"I don't want to wait around for Yoh to come and rescue me!"

"Didn't you used to have a crush on him when the Academy and the Heroes-In-Training Institute would have those mixers?" Ponchi asked lamely.

"Yes but…" She suddenly halted in her angry pacing. "Wait a moment…"

Conchi gulped nervously after seeing a dangerous look come into her eyes. "Hold on, Tamao. Remember what Rule Twelve said…"

Ponchi laughed anxiously, his voice cracking a bit. "Yeah, just do what your teachers at the Academy said to do and just stay here and wait for your prince to tell you to let down your hair…"

"Ah…" Tamao said mindlessly, completely lost in thought. A small smile made its way across her face. "What if…what if…I don't have to be a damsel in distress?"

"Remember what Lady Anna said! 'A good lady always waits!'"

That small smile evolved into a genuine grin. "What if I can save myself?"

Her two spirits shrieked in horrified unison. "Tamao! No, bad Tamao! Stop trying to emulate the modern woman!"

She shook her head. "I think…I think I can do it." She brightened up as she busied herself around her room getting ready. "No, I _know_ I can do it! Alright, first off…" Tamao frowned as she looked down at her the standard uniform each girl had been issued before being sent off to their respective, oppressive towers, forests, and palaces. "I don't think I can save myself while wearing this frilly thing."

Conchi began fanning himself as Ponchi was hyperventilating. "What are you doing? You're violating every single rule! You're not allowed to wear men's clothing!"

Tamao shrugged bashfully as she emerged from the spare room, donning a plain white shirt and loose pants. "They're more comfortable this way…Oh and I suppose I can change my shoes too! These heels have been killing me." She kicked off her modest, sensible pumps (standard issue by the Academy once again) and slipped on a nice pair of sandals. "Ah, that's better…"

"What're you going to do when Dame Gothel comes around to check in?" Ponchi exclaimed, sounding convinced as if he had found a way to corner Tamao.

She nodded slowly, realization dawning on her. "Oh…I forgot about Kino…Thank you for reminding me! I should leave her a note."

Conchi slapped himself in the face. "_Not_ the reaction we wanted."

Tamao, former damsel in distress turned hero, clapped her hands together. "This is so exciting!" She turned around and peered outside the window. "Now…how am I going to get down?" she asked a bit fretfully, looking around the room for ideas. "I know!" She began wrapping her long tresses around a table leg, a chair, her bed frame. She studied her makeshift rope. "Hmm…how is this going to work…" She withdrew a pair of shears from the top drawer and, in one swift motion, cut all of her hair off so that it was shoulder length.

Ponchi and Conchi shrieked and dove for her hair as if they could reattach it to her head. "_What have you _done?"

"Make sure this doesn't slip," she ordered the two hyperventilating animals firmly after making sure all the wraps and knots were secured tightly.

"And what makes you think we'll help you?" Ponchi fired at her, shaking out of fear.

She shrugged. "I'll tell Kino that you helped me escape…you remember what happened last time Kino got mad at you, right?"

Images of hellfire and brimstone and eternal suffering and blood and gore flashed through their minds. "Okay, _okay, okay_, we'll do anything you want! Just don't tell Kino!"

Tamao leaned against the stone window frame and tugged on the long locks to test them out. "Alright…" She tentatively lowered herself, trying to find gaps in the stone blocks of the tower walls to use as footholds. "This isn't…so…bad…" She dug her sandals into a space just below her, slipping momentarily before wedging her foot firmly in there. "I think I'm almost all the way down." She slid her hands down her former hair, trying to adjust her grip so that she could get a better foothold. "And…" She inwardly breathed a sigh of relief as she felt ground below her.

"Hey!" A rough hand seized her from behind and turned her around. "Dude, not cool!"

Tamao blinked innocently at the blue haired boy who had yelled at her. "Um…can I help you?"

He scoffed before folding his arms in front of himself. "Tch, don't play dumb with me! You're _obviously_ trying to save the girl in there when the Institute clearly sent me to save her!" He shook his head. "Are you trying to put me out of a job, man?" The prince looked her up and down. "Hmph, were you even sent by the Institute? You're not even wearing a uniform!"

"I…wasn't sent by—"

He pointed an accusing finger at her as he circled her suspiciously. "Aha! I totally called it! So you're some kind of renegade bandit, huh? Trying to go around and snatch up hapless princesses and coerce them into marrying you and, like, _totally_ depriving the rightful hero from their damsel? Is that it?"

Tamao cleared her throat. "I…don't know what you're talking about…"

He threw his arms up. "You don't know what I'm—! Hah, that's rich. You're—"

"A girl."

He nodded. "Yeah, you're a girl!...Wait, who's doing what now where?" His jaw fell open.

Tamao bit her lip. "Yes…I'm a girl…"

He blinked and looked at her. Then he closed his eyes. Opened them. Closed his mouth. Rubbed his eyes. Shook his head. "No, you're not," he said with a note of finality.

Tamao tilted her head to the side. She had _heard_ stories of insane people before but she had never met one. _Until now, apparently_. "Um…yes…I'm pretty sure I'm a girl…"

He laughed uncertainly. "No, no…you can't be a girl…" He looked her up and down again. "Nope, definitely not. You see, all girls wear dresses and wear heels and have long hair. Therefore you are not a chick."

She blinked rapidly, not entirely sure if this man was completely sober. "I think I know my own gender…"

But the boy was not paying attention to her at all, instead busying himself with searching for something in his travel bag. "Aha! See, right here in the Fairytale Handbook…Rule Two: All females (ie: princesses, damsels, evil stepmothers/enchantresses, and supporting female characters and extras) wear dresses or skirts (except in the event that cultural standards of dress dictate otherwise—ie: princesses that reside in Agrabah, underwater, etc). They can be further identified by mid-length to long hair and high heeled shoes. All males (ie: princes, heroes, evil villains, and supporting male characters and extras) wear pants and shirts or tights and tunics. They can be further identified by short hair." He slipped the book back into his bag. "So, if you excuse me, I need to see _my_ damsel—"

Tamao pursed her lips. "Wait, you were assigned _here_?" she asked a little too forcefully, subsequently reddening in embarrassment as he glared at her.

"Uh…yeah. What part of '_my damsel'_ do you not understand?" he asked.

"But I thought Asakura Yoh was supposed to be sent here…" she said, a bit sadly. Granted, though Tamao was having for the first time in fairytale history, notions of female empowerment and feminism, if she were to come across a prince, she was hoping it was going to be Yoh.

"Yeah he was originally but he got reassigned to go and rescue some demon chick in an abandoned castle in the next kingdom over," he explained, jutting his thumb to the east. "And then his backup, Lyserg, had an emergency in France with the Sleeping Beauty girl in the casket…"

"Anna and Jeanne?" Tamao offered helpfully.

"Yup and…wait, how did you know Yoh was supposed to be assigned here? And why do you know Anna and Jeanne?" His eyes slowly widened. "Oh…my…God…You're…" He whipped out his file and stared at the picture. "You're Tamao!"

She fought the urge to roll her eyes. "Yes. Surprise…" she said lamely. "Didn't you have my picture all along?"

He kept looking down at the picture and then back up at her…and then back down… "Yeah but I didn't recognize you."

"My face is exactly the same…"

He shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe you're the girl I'm supposed to rescue. But you cut your hair and you're wearing…men's clothes! Is that even legal?"

Tamao thought that hanging herself with the hair-turned-rope she had used earlier was sounding pretty nice right about now.

"But…how did you get down here?" he asked, clearly dumbfounded.

"I saved myself," she said simply.

He groaned, reopened the file, and perused a paper inside, all the while scratching irritably at the back of his head. "You completely messed the order up!"

"I'm…sorry?"

He inhaled deeply, trying to find his mental happy place before opening his mouth to speak again. "Okay, this is what you need to do. You need…to go back up into that tower and…and then I have to say, 'Tamao, let down your hair!' and—"

"You're kidding, right?" she blurted out before clamping her hand over her mouth. "I'm…I'm sorry but…I waited so long and worked so hard to get down here…There's no way I'm going back up into that tower." She meekly looked down at her feet before glancing upwards to see his expression.

He sighed loudly and looked at a bundle of silk string by his feet. "What the crap am I supposed to do with this now?" He kicked it aside and began skimming the list. "Well now that you're apparently 'saved' or whatever, I suppose I just skip all of this stuff…" He ripped off the first five pages and tossed them away. "Let's see…it says that…" He cleared his throat. "Will you marry me?" he read off the list mechanically.

Tamao took a step back. "W-What?" she asked, blushing deeply. "I don't…I don't even know your name!"

He waved his hand dismissively. "It's Horohoro. No matter though. Come on." He pulled her by the hand towards his horse.

Tamao stumbled forwards, her mind spinning in a veritable tornado of thoughts. "W-Wait!" she stuttered, breaking free of his grasp. "I can't marry you!"

Horohoro studied her closely. "Yes…you can. We just go to the nearest church, exchange vows, say 'I do' and then _poof_…we're married. It's every damsel's dream to get married to a prince. It says so in the handbook!"

She shook her head violently from side to side, keeping her gaze trained to the ground. "No…I don't even know you. How…How can we get married?" The note of finality and the quiet but firm determination rang clearly in her voice. He had been silent for a while so she raised her head to see what he was doing.

"Argh, there's no entry in here that says what to do in this situation!" he exclaimed, paging through the book like a madman. He threw the handbook to the side of the road. "Useless."

"We could…um…just talk I guess," she said quietly.

He stared at her as if she said that women could gain equal rights and could actually join men in the workforce. "Just…talk? I don't…I don't understand…" he mumbled in a daze, his face blanching.

Tamao quickly jumped in, afraid that if he thought of such a preposterous idea any longer, his head would explode. "Well…um…sometimes, people don't propose marriage right away after they hear a girl sing or dance by herself in the woods. And…they take some time to…er…get to know the other person and…and see what they're like…"

"People like that _exist_?" Horohoro exclaimed, his face paling again. "I feel like everything I ever believed in is crumbling away. So you're saying that my entire life has been a _lie_?"

"Well, maybe not _everything_. Just maybe the idea that we were taught that the only way we'll ever be happy is if we end up marrying the guy that rescued us or the pretty girl that is in distress and—why are you staring at me?" Tamao shrunk back a little.

"I'm waiting for you to cry," he deadpanned.

Everything that Tamao had been saying earlier just dropped out of her mind. And then she…giggled. "Um…what?"

"At some point in each fairytale, the girl has to cry. And…then…there's the…epic…kiss…" he said, his voice faltering by the end of his statement.

Tamao put her arms up defensively. "Please don't try kissing me. I haven't had my first kiss yet. I haven't even hugged a boy or held hands with one," she squeaked fearfully.

"But…but…there's an epic kiss in every fairytale…with really joyous, epic music and fanfare in the background and big close-ups of the lead characters…" He clutched at his head. "All of this is making my head hurt." He kicked the ground in frustration. "All I ever wanted to do was rescue a girl and marry her immediately afterwards just to make my father proud…is that too much to ask for?" he grumbled, he climbed back on top of the horse he had arrived on earlier.

"Make…your father proud?" Tamao repeated softly. "Wait, where are you going?"

"To go and report that I failed my assignment…Now all my job opportunities will be limited to comic relief sidekick or background villager extra," he groaned. "Or even worse, one of the evil henchmen that always gets his butt kicked." He sighed and shook his head. "No one's gonna take me seriously now…"

"Can I…Can I go with you?" she asked timidly. "I don't…I don't really know where to go…"

"You saved yourself and went through all that trouble and you don't even know where to go?" he asked in a half-hearted attempt at being dry and sarcastic. He sighed. "Fine."

"Sorry, it's just that…all the fairytales end up with someone getting married. But I don't know where all the people who don't get married go," she explained while walking next to him. "And I don't really want to become a village extra or one of the members of the ditzy group girls who—why are you getting off your horse?"

"Go on." He motioned for her to ride the horse. "Just because we're not getting that fairytale ending doesn't mean that chivalry and common decency is dead. And no arguing."

Tamao pursed her lips fretfully before climbing on top of the horse. "Th-Thank you…"

"So…what exactly do people talk about when they get to know each other?" he asked, sounding genuinely interested. "Man, when the guys back home hear about this, their minds will be _completely blown_."

Tamao chewed on her lip as she thought. "I guess…people usually talk about themselves. Like…their families, maybe?"

Horohoro snorted. "That should be easy. What did you graduate as, princess or damsel?"

"Damsel."

"Let me guess, your mother died from some unnamed disease when you were young and you were basically raised by your father who may or may not have married an evil stepmother," he rattled off without missing a beat.

"My mom died because of her radish obsession and then my dad gave me away to an evil, ugly enchantress who owned said radishes," she returned, her face remaining unchanged.

He nodded. "At this point, it would take a miracle to surprise me…Wait, evil enchantress. Crap, do I still have to defeat and/or outsmart her?"

Tamao smiled. "No, rumor has it that evil stepmothers/enchantresses/queens have been understaffed lately so Kino has had to fill in at all the nearby kingdoms. Last I heard, she's playing evil stepmother to Cinderella two kingdoms over." She paused and scrunched her nose up. "Or was it evil witch to Snow White?"

He stared at her and started laughing. "You know, you're way different than from what your file said about you, personality-wise."

"Really? What did it say?" she asked curiously.

"That you were silent. Almost borderline mute."

She pressed her lips together in a straight line as anger inexplicably flared up within her. "I'm apparently going through an unexplained, unnecessary sudden shift in character. Didn't you get the memo? My moderator Hiroyuki Takei sent it out. So this is some kind of transition period where I'm still a little bit shy but I'm slowly going to evolve into this full fledged control freak bitch."

"Ah. Well. That's fun." And thus they walked in silence, neither one nor the other knowing how to follow up Tamao's revelation. Horohoro debated whether or not he should ask if she had animal companions but decided against it. _Well, she probably has them. I mean, Cinderella had those French mice. Aurora and Snow White had those miscellaneous woodland creatures. Ariel had Flounder. Belle had…well she had talking household objects but still. Rapunzel had a chameleon. Jasmine had that tiger…man that would be cool if Tamao had a tiger__—_

"You're not a failure of a guy. And I'm not a failure of a girl," she suddenly said. "Just because we didn't do what the Institute and Academy said for us to do doesn't mean that we're worth any less than our classmates. I mean, we only thought we were doing a bad job because of what society told us what happiness was! Just look at all the stories that have been told to us as children: Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. What about other people who were perfectly fine and happy without princes and fairytales? What about…what about Madame Curie and…and Joan d'Arc?" she spluttered out.

"Who?" Horohoro asked blankly.

"Exactly!" she exclaimed. "I mean…don't you think it's still possible for us to be happy? Even if we didn't follow the rules. After all…it's…it's _our_ story…right?" she asked expectantly.

He studied her with uncharacteristic thoughtfulness. "Then…what are you doing to do after this?" he asked quietly.

"I…I…I don't actually know…" she replied, looking deflated. "I guess I've always wanted to go to the city and…and host my own inn. And become an _enka_ singer. And tell fortunes." With each new goal and dream, her face lit up even more.

"I guess you can start right away." He jutted his thumb at the sign in the crossroads they had unknowingly arrived at. "The left fork leads to the biggest city in the entire region." He gave her a half smile. "I'm sure that you'll be able to fulfill all of your dreams." He shoved his hands into his pockets.

"H-How do you know?"

"I can tell. You probably should've been the one to go to the Heroes-In-Training Institute. Not me." He laughed a little.

She frowned and played with the hem of her shirt. "B-But I'm so quiet and…and I stutter when I get nervous and flustered and blush non-stop—"

"It doesn't matter. I mean, you have ambition and drive and you work hard and when you talk, you make it sound like anything is possible." He shrugged. "Those are the signs of a true hero."

She bit her lip. "What…What are you going to do after this?"

He sighed. "I dunno. My only goal in life was to make my father proud. Now I guess I can't even do that anymore." He scratched the back of his head before waving at her. "This is goodbye then. Good luck with everything." He turned to take the right fork in the road.

"W-Wait!" He turned around. "Don't you have your own dream? Making your parents happy is important but that can't be your only goal. Do something that makes you happy." She bit her lip again as she waited for his response.

He smiled a little at first before breaking into a full out grin. "You know what, I _will_." He shrugged off his sword and shield. "Screw that! I'll plant my own field of _fuki_ because hell, it makes _me_ happy." He was smiling like a maniac. "But to start my own field and farm, I have to get tools from the city."

She smiled back at him, blushing just as hard as he was grinning. "What a coincidence. I'm heading in the same direction."

When Dame Gothel came back to find Ponchi and Conchi sobbing over Tamao's cut hair, she merely shrugged and muttered something along the lines of "Well, it seems escaped damsels are all the rage now. That darn Mulan started a trend."

And so, Tamao did in fact end up hosting her own inn, became an _enka_ singer, and told fortunes to tourists. She also works part time designing her own line of modern clothes for women who can't be bothered to wear those frilly, frilly dresses anymore. She practically coined the word 'feminism' and now receives royalties every time someone uses it.

Horohoro opened his farm right next to the city. He doesn't ever really talk to his father. Ever. But he's happy and that's all he needs. The Institute did come for him after realizing that he never did actually turn in a report about his assignment but left immediately after being force fed some of his marimo. And after many, many years of talking and getting to know Tamao, he finally asked her to marry him. Again.

Except this time, he didn't read it off a piece of paper.

And they all lived quite happily ever after.

_The End._

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_**A/N**: Oh. My. God. This is the first time I've updated in...forever. GAH. To anyone who still follows my work: THANK YOU. Thank you so, so, so much for sticking with me. Especially to the ones reading this right now because that means you read this story and that means you ship Horo/Tamao to some extent (or love me a lot). I am incredibly sorry for not updating AT ALL but college is college is college is BUSY and studies come first (quite unfortunately).

To be honest, I have no idea when _Critical Condition_ is going to be updated since it is a really big endeavor and winter quarter is starting soon and UGH the next time I'll probably update CC is when it's summer :(

Anyways, later today I will posting another Horo/Tam fic called _Yes, Ma'am_! and hopefully some sort of Christmas one-shot. in fact, it may be an epilogue of sorts to _Yoh and the Oni_ that is Christmas themed. Huzzah.

**Please, please, please leave a review**! you have no idea how much your reviews inspire me to write (in fact, i'm finishing all these one-shots and updating today after seeing all these new reviews on my old stories) and check out my livejournal because i actually update it. sometimes. I love you all so much and MERRY CHRISTMAS, dear readers! and have a splendid new year! and happy extremely belated birthday, elviella!


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